Turning Point

The Summer of 1999 I went to see the movie Titanic while out of town killing time while my daughter and her boyfriend went sightseeing.  I will never forget my emotional reaction to that movie, I think I cried through the whole thing.  I saw how the characters fell in love and how that love grew to be a forever love.  I wanted that so much, I wanted to be loved for me, the I’ll die for you kind of love.  I knew in my mind that was an unrealistic view of what love really is, but my heart was so hungry for it. 

I went home with a heavy heart, I knew then that love would never be a part of my life.  I had an emotional breakdown, I went into a deep depression, self doubt and misery were a part of my life for a couple of months, I cried all the time and couldn’t explain why, I didn’t know myself. I struggled with the idea of divorce.  It wasn’t an easy decision for me, I truly believe once you say I do, you have made a vow to God and your spouse to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life, through the good parts and the bad, till death do you part.  I was afraid of losing my adopted family, my first husbands’ sisters, all the nieces and nephews, our friends.  I was worried about my daughter how would she react?  Could I make it on my own.  Should I turn by back on 28 years of marriage.  So many things to think about!    Finally I had made a decision I would give my ex his freedom to pursue his happiness, my thought process was, I couldn’t make him happy maybe someone else could.

I found an apartment and for the first time in my life I was on my own.  During the year that followed I did a lot of soul searching.  I addressed my abuse as a child and finally came to terms with it.  I started to practice sharing my feelings with others and found acceptance.  My self worth grew and I found that I am good at something.  I am an encourager, that is what I am and do best.  I believe in building up and not tearing down a person.  Each individual has enormous worth to themselves and others.  Do I still have doubts about myself, yes, but I continue to work through it.  I don’t let things build up anymore, my dear husband of 17 yrs. (should have been 18), has heard me express by feelings, concerns and loves me for me….how great is that!  Together we have built a love that is eternal, until death do us part kind of love…..

Everything Anna Aspnes
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